Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
