How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
