there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
