apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
In America we eat man semen.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
