he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
