Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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