The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
