I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's Friday. Sex?
my phone needs a breathalizer
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
