I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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