So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
