She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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