If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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