I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
