i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
