I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
