bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There's always time for handjobs
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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