is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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