i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
