she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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