if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
