dude i'm inner monologue high
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
