why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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