I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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