I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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