I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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