Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So much rum. So many feels.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
