Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
