I just cut my nipple shaving
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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