Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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