i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm too high and old for this...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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