Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
