My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
