i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
