My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
