Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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