Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
