My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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