I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
