first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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