I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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