I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
