I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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