YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
