I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
