the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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