I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
