does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
