that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
