My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
