he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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