We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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